When it rains…

I suffered with panic attacks for a long time.  And if you’ve ever had a panic attack… you understand what I mean by suffering.  It’s about control… or lack of it… and fear.

Crushing, brutal, fear.

At the moment, I’m somewhere between trying to be calm and on the edge of panic.  To add to the discomfort… throw in a nasty chest cold, a hacking cough, the inability to take a deep breath without discomfort, a tingly feeling in my face, elevated blood pressure, a twitch in my left eye, restless nights, insane nightmares and the need for a puffer!

Seems I’m a bit uptight and was told by the doctor to take it easy for a few days.  I’ve been sitting here… trying quite unsuccessfully not to unravel.

I went to the grocery store and was so tired by the time I had my cupboards full that I ordered take out!  Two hundred and eighty three dollars worth of groceries filling my cupboards and freezer and I ordered take out!

I started cleaning out the bedroom closets and now have a catastrophic mess in the hallway upstairs.  Without an end in site of when it’ll get finished.

Then I dd the same to my bathroom cupboards.

I poked around Winners for a bit going up and down, in and out each aisle… but in the end saw nothing I wanted and left the store feeling a combination of let down and dizzy.

I turned the tv on after a lengthy hiatus and thank goodness it’s premier week or I don’t think that would have captured my attention for too long either!  Soaps haven’t interested me in well over a year… seems I can write my own so why bother watching someone else’s drama!

I don’t feel like writing… or doing much of anything to be brutally honest. I’ve got nothing on my mind… and everything all at the same time.. and no clear way of getting what’s in my head on screen.

I wonder what the queen does to relax?  Does she lay around eating bon bons… people to wait on her hand and foot… bringing her tea?  I’m quite sure she doesn’t get her own groceries… let alone drag them in from the car and unpack them… leaving the empty bags on the floor for two days and a few things on the counter.  Chances are she doesn’t clean her own closets… or at the very least start cleaning them and leaving a pile of crap in the hall for people to step around.  I doubt she watches Soaps… again… she has her own family drama!

Relax… take it easy for a few days… get yourself feeling better… sounds so much easier than it actually is.

I need a good swift kick to haul myself out of my pity party and settle this panic once and for all.

Maybe after a few days rest and relaxation.

Q – What scares you?

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