I called him “Spiderman”.
My child, yet to be determined whether he’d be a boy or a girl…though somehow I knew.
My pregnancy was going along without issue when suddenly, standing before a classroom full of students, I felt this strange release and knew immediately what was happening. I rushed to the washroom and stood in the stall…terrified with the knowledge that it was over.
The ambulance ride to the hospital took forever. Six tries before they could get an IV to stay. The room, ingrained in my mind…comics on the ceiling…possibly to comfort or give me something to focus on when they quietly told me the baby was gone and there was nothing I could have done to stop it. The emptiness, the pain, was overwhelming…snippets of conversation heard but nothing except heartache reaching me. My body had betrayed me…and sadly, it wasn’t the first time.
Before leaving the hospital, I had an ultrasound to determine if I’d need further treatment. It was then that I saw his little hand move across the monitor in a “hey don’t forget about me” tiny wave.
Twins. Never had I dreamt there were two.
I went from terrified to devastated to shocked to thrilled and back to terrified in the matter of a few hours. Every emotion played out in front of me with the realization that I had to do everything in my power to hang on to this precious child…and in doing so, face the realization that it was totally out of my control.
He was named Spiderman. Building a web inside to protect himself so that week after week of doctor’s appointments and ultrasounds, it was determined he was still hanging on…his heart beating strong…all going as expected…but me, never totally relaxing…always on edge.
It wasn’t until he was born that I grieved the loss of my lost child and in grieving, honoured him…as I truly believe it was that loss that enabled me to have this wonderful, healthy, vibrant boy.
However, on nights when my son wraps his arms around me telling me how special I am…how much he loves me…I can’t help but think, there might have been two. And how lucky I am…that there is just one.
One amazing, strong, happy, wonderful, superhero.
Building his web…around my heart.