It’s always there…the divorce.
Much as I’ve moved on and like the person I’ve become…from time to time, I hit a snag.
Friends and family can usually see it coming…like Christmas…and New Years…and the dreaded Valentine’s Day. But once divorced, no one remembers the day you were married like you.
They call it your “un-anniversary.”
And yesterday was mine.
I know what you’re thinking…”it doesn’t mean anything,” “it’s just a day.” But much as I try not to pay any credence to it…I can’t. Each time I saw the date before me and the numerous times I found my mind drifting to my wedding day I just had to tough it out…shake my head and try my hardest to keep the tears at bay because dammit I’m tough, I’m strong and it doesn’t bother me anymore.
But it does.
I still find it strange.
I don’t wish back time…don’t wish my marriage back or for things to be the way they used to be but from time to time I still have a hard time believing that any of this even happened. So many marriages end in divorce and I truly should have seen what was blatant in front of me…I just never dreamt it would happen to me and as whiny as that sounds…it’s just the way it is.
This process is a maze…twists and turns at every bend and just when you think you’re on the clear path forward you hit a wall and find yourself flat on your back having to retrace your steps. While I’m seeing my way out…running and leaping and jumping through the excitement of everything that’s before me…I’m not quite there.
Yesterday was a bad one but to be honest…they happen so seldom that someday this day will come and I won’t be counting the number of years “it would have been.”
Today, I pick myself up, brush myself off and continue my journey through this maze where I swear I see the end…I’m almost out. There’s just a few more walls I need to manoeuvre around…
and I’ll be free.