I have a number of issues we need to discuss.
1. First of all… there is no Maid. I understand fully that Little-One, Buff and the two Buff Juniors live in Dubai and “Dominga” flits around cleaning up after them but in my house Dominga is nowhere to be found! Go ahead and check the storage room downstairs if you like… but don’t be shocked… NO DOMINGA!!!
2. We have a dishwasher… it’s not me. I can fully understand by looking at my puffy, wrinkled, dish pan hands that you’d believe I was the one and only person capable of washing dishes… but you’re wrong. Dead wrong. Some things need the extra scrubbing but most things can be stacked neatly in that magic silver box under the counter that spews out soap and water once turned on. After washing… call me crazy… but the items need to make their way back into the cupboards for you to use again. Otherwise it leaves you standing in the middle of the kitchen looking perplexed and wondering where all the glasses went. Try looking in the silver box first… and if you see none there… check next to the tv or under your bed!
3. Speaking of beds. While I understand that mine is the largest one in the house and no one is currently sharing it with me… understand this… I LIKE IT THAT WAY! If for some reason you wake in the middle of the night and feel the need to be in there with me… DO SO QUIETLY! Also, there is NO NEED to spread yourself out like a starfish! That move was taught only to keep yourself afloat in the water. My bed is very large but it is NOT… I repeat NOT… a pool. You have NO FEAR of drowning so close yourself up nice and tight… keep your legs straight and your arms to your sides. Stay VERY VERY still and should I awake in the morning… finding you next to me in the bed… smile and tell me how pretty I look.
4. If you find one of your beloved items on one of the steps leading upstairs…. that is a sure sign that I intend for you to take that item UP the stairs. It is not a decorating trend! Remove the items and place them neatly in the room I assigned you.
5. Should I choose to make a healthy meal… you are to eat it. Do not spread it around on your plate whilst making ridiculous faces. I went out of my way to make a dinner where we can sit down as a family and discuss current events. You are to appreciate the food… even if you see char marks from being left on that burny thing for too long. You are to thank me…you are to tell me I’m wonderful… you are to ask me about my day and NOT question why I choose to drink from a can and you have to drink milk. You are to empty your plate and help clear off the table at the end of the meal. In fact… should you be looking for extra brownie points… you can suggest I retire to put my feet up on the coffee table that I purchased… and you can bring me a cup of tea. Better yet… make brownies.
6. Whence removing your ridiculously expensive jeans at the end of the day… remove the belt from the belt loops and the undergarments from the inside! As well… why must you take everything off inside out and leave it on your floor? Should any or your garments require washing, please leave said items in the basket provided for you in your assigned room. When they come back clean, folded, and lovingly placed on the end of your bed… your only requirement is to put them neatly away. That’s it! Please do so with as much care and concern as I did when I laundered and folded them. Please do not leave them to root through as needed… causing a crumpled pile of clothing that the dog you begged me to get will use for a bed. And no… I have no intention of getting another puppy. One living in our house at any given time is quite simply enough… and why I never used the same theory when I had children is simply beyond me!
7. The little tabs that come with the bread are used to close the bag. Milk left out goes sour. The dog doesn’t put herself out or let herself in. The plastic triangle things in the closet are for hanging up your clothes. Stinky hockey and riding gear DO NOT belong in the front hall. If you find chocolate it’s mine. If you find money, that’s mine too. Face cloths can be wrung out and put in the laundry baskets provided rather than leaving them soaking wet and slimy on the bottom of the tub. You’re getting too old for “tub toys”. The empty AXE body wash container can be thrown out rather than collected. The bathroom scissors are for cutting my bangs… don’t remove them or I’m forced to cut my bangs with nail clippers. When you sharpen a pencil place the sharpenings in the garbage cans provided. Should you ever discover a garbage can full you are more than welcome to empty it. If you swish a little water in the sink after your twice-a-week brushing… the blob of toothpaste will go down the drain. There is a supply of toilet tissue in the downstairs bathroom if you need to replenish it. And finally… the red stick with the black bristles is called a broom!
To my oldest who has chosen to vacate her assigned room… when you choose to visit… all of these rules apply to you as well. Furthermore… you are not to deposit every pair of shoes you own in the front hall, there is no need for makeup to be spread all over the bathroom counter and the brown marks on your bedroom floor are burn marks from your beloved flat iron… don’t think I didn’t notice!
For all three of you… it would probably be very helpful if you remember these few things. Please also remember that I am the only one who owns a car. I am the only one who has a credit card. I decide how much your allowance is. I buy the clothing on your back and the furniture you put your feet on. And most importantly… This is MY HOUSE!
I love you all.