You brought ‘er you sail ‘er…

I’m beyond waterlogged. My feet are puffy. There are deep wrinkles in my damp skin as if I’ve been relaxing in a bath for hours… without the relaxation.  The weather isn’t showing signs of letting up. This rain has got to stop as I’m nowhere near good enough to build an ark… and besides I hate sailing.
For the record, I’ve removed that little fact from my online dating profile. Do you know how many men have photos of themselves sailing? Suddenly I’m a huge fan and as soon as May arrives I’m signing up for lessons before I’m caught in my lie.
There’s much I’m discovering with this online dating. First of all… I’ve decided to hide my photos from regular perusing. I’d prefer a little anonymity out there as it’s a pretty small town we live in. The first person who contacted me is someone I actually know… not that it bothered me… it’s actually nicer to know a few things about the person you’re talking to… but it’s possible I freaked him out a little. Whatever…
I’m treating the whole thing like I’m in a bar… I smile… he smiles back… we have a little chat and a spar back and forth… then I decide he’s an idiot and have him kicked out of the pub. So far it’s working for me.
I’ve only had one big fight with an asshole who told me he was married… but at least he told me. In the end… he said I was a really great gal and I should be really careful… there’s a lot of jerks and liars on site. Really? Cause I’m pretty sure I just met their leader! Here’s a tip for anyone trying it out… if it says “looking for a woman with an open mind”… translation… he’s married!!  I don’t care how tall he is… I’m out!
I’ve discovered that I hate “wife beater” shirts. Sleeveless shirts on men are yuck. As are high waisted shorts with tucked in golf shirts. Yuck. Pictures where you can see your ex’s arm around you. Yuck. Corona hats. Yuck. Picture of you eating a hamburger. Yuck. Photos of you kissing your cat. Yuck.  Comments about your prowessness and sensuality.  YUCK! That pic with you and the snake. Yuck. The tattoos on your upper thigh. Yuck. The photo of you sitting on your bed. Yuck.
Yuck, yuck, yuck… YUCK!!!
I’m thinking it’s probably good that I only paid for a three month membership. By then… I should have my ark built and I’m sailing the hell out of here. In the meantime… if anyone knows a sailor who’d be interested in the voyage… tell him to take off the corona hat and wife beater… and send me a smile!


7 Replies to “You brought ‘er you sail ‘er…”

  1. This made me laugh out loud!! Why do people put such ridiculous pictures of themselves online and think it will attract the opposite sex? So funny….because it's true. 🙂

  2. 100% right on the money as usual!!!! You have a knack for seeing through the bullshit. I didn't really find anyone worth dating on the web, but did make some great friends. My sister is happily married to a guy she met on Lavalife, so it can happen. There are nice guys looking, t most likely know them.


  3. LMAO….why do I love it so much when your blogs are filled with frustration…they are just so funny!!


  4. You have described my past experiences as well. I think I have talked to all of those men in the past as well. It does help you see what's out there so that when the right one comes along, you'll appreciate him. Hang in there… -Kim

  5. So…so funny. God you can write girl. My advice…hang in. On-line dating is a hoot and man, can you gets lots of fun stories for your girl friends, trust me…remember mine??!! The profiles are hilarious to read, it gets you out for a coffee and a good meal now and then. When everyone around you is married…trust me C, it's the only way to get yourself out there. A few tips: if they say they can cook: they're lying; if they say they like wine: it probably means rum; if they like walks on the beach: they wear sweat pants; if they say they like to write love letters: it's probably Karl so stay the hell away.. hahahahahahahah. (couldn't resist!). keep at it…have fun and remember, it's how I met my wonderful husband. "Loves2dance66" happily married to "foodandwineguy". MAGICAL!!!!!