Let me paraphrase an online conversation I had last night with a gentleman who claims to be quite lovely, rather funny and tall!
He captured my attention with a tag line suggesting he “delivered butterflies” and it had me wondering what kind of a container you’d keep butterflies in and whether or not he worked for FedEx (the FedEx guy that came to my place this week was rather good looking!)
Me (starting the conversation) – “How exactly does one deliver butterflies? Aren’t you worried they’d fly away?”
Sweetandfunny – “I find your profile as hilarious and sarcastic as mine. Delivery of butterflies is my part time job. I’m still looking for a job in the NBA and I’m sure the phone will ring any moment. Hang on…. no, the damn fridge is acting up again.”
So far so good… seems sweet… funny. Don’t like that he has crap appliances but may as well see where this thing is going.
Me – “Your tall AND you deliver butterflies… just about my perfect match! Hope all your dreams aren’t wrapped up in the NBA!”
Sweetandfunny – “Ha Ha. No worries, I will send money home and you can buy liquor and smokes.”
Me – “Pack of Camels and a case of Corona never goes to waste!”
Alright… a few things. First of all I used the word “your” the wrong way. That’s usually a turn off for me but he doesn’t seem to have noticed. I’m having great difficulty with men who can’t seem to spell or use proper grammar… but seems I’m not so perfect myself! Secondly, CAMEL CIGARETTES! What the hell? I haven’t smoked in twenty years (except for the several “downtown” smokes I had last year but they don’t count!)
Sweetandfunny – “So, what do you write, books, commercials, porn?”
Red Flag!!! He seriously thinks I’d write commercials?!
Me – “I wrote computer manuals but now I’m pretty happy writing a blog… keeping people laughing… some days crying… depends on my mood.”
Sweetandfunny – “And that’s a job? Computer manuals sound terribly exciting, how could you have left that fabulous career hahahah.”
Me – “Left it about 5 years ago to have the privilege of being a stay at home mom. The blog is more of a hobby but you never know… someone might pay me the big bucks to write someday.”
I never actually said that last line but if you’re reading this and you enjoy my writing… I’m looking for someone to pay me big bucks… or at least advertise on the right hand side of the blog for a nominal fee… or I’ll even do swaps (email me at firstname.lastname@example.org for all the details).
Sweetandfunny – “So why is basketball not in your ‘Sports I watch’ section?”
Me – “Cause I find it boring as hell!”
Sweetandfunny – “So you’re a real smart ass, I like that.”
Me – “Yup… gets me far!”
I lied. It’s not getting me all that far but I really do find basketball rather boring and a bit sweaty.
Me – “What do you do for a living… besides chase basketball dreams?”
Sweetandfunny – “I work at a plastics distribution company.”
Me – “So what does that mean… you sell Tupperware?”
For the record… that was freakin’ hilarious!!!
Sweetandfunny- “lol, no, I sell intelligent plastics like Teflon, nylon, Plexiglas, fibreglass and all that shit. I’m sending u my backstage and hoping to see urs.”
Here we go!!! But first let me point out that he spelled “yours” even worse than I did!!! It took me a quick moment to get into his photos and…. ehhhhh… not thrilling but not awful. Only one photo to see and a little far away. Pants are up a bit high. House is decorated a little old fashioned. He has hair… a little Donald Trumpish but definitely hair and from the look of the chandelier he’s tall… really tall. So I sent my lovely photos and continued on with the conversation while he takes a moment to peruse.
Me – “I always thought Teflon was intelligent! Plexiglas on the other hand… nah… wouldn’t consider that one smart at all!”
Sweetandfunny – “Hey, I don t think we’re a match, but your funny as hell!” [Sweet and funny is no longer on line.]
Ummmmm…. that’s it? Just to let you know Mr. Sweet and Funny… you’re not all that sweet, I was definitely funnier, you used “your” wrong in your last statement and for the record… I never felt a single butterfly!
Maybe it was something I said!
I’m crackin’ a Corona and ligtin’ a smoke! This online dating thing sucks!