Register this…

“Would you like to donate a buck to Kids-Who-Need-Your-Money Ma’am….”

Did he say buck?  Hell…. did he say Ma’am?

Am I missing something?  Just yesterday I was walking through the halls of Halifax West High School throwing insults at the girls wearing legwarmers over their tights and exposing their shoulders through the ripped collars of their Flashdance t-shirts.  This ain’t no “Ma’am” in front of you son!  It’s me… same age as you… give or take a couple.

I wonder if he knows what legwarmers are?  Did I just call him son?

Checkout requests for money, “topping up” your order, adding five dollars to your bill, requests for loonies and toonies at the lineup are annoying.  I’m seriously not interested in giving my dollar to some big corporation with a million dollar salaried CEO who turns around and receives a big tax deduction while looking like a wonderful corporate citizen presenting their 7 x 2 foot ridiculous cheque when the truth of the matter is they didn’t give a dime!

I hear they can’t get a tax deduction off third party money but whatever… they get lots of media attention showing up at the charity with a big donation they received from twisting shopper’s arms.  It’s peer pressure at the checkout!  I’m terrified the woman behind me thinks I’m an ass by not giving up my measly loonie.  This ain’t High School anymore… peer pressure went out with the legwarmers!

I don’t like guilt giving… I do enough of that on my own.  I don’t need the extra pressure at the register which is why I avoid the “candy aisle”.  Mom can I have some gum?  It’s just a lollipop!  Can I have this Jughead magazine?  “Ma’am… would you like to donate a loonie?”  SHUT UP!

Tell me your corporation is going to double or triple my money and I’ll consider it and by the way… where’s the “no candy” aisle?

Don’t get me wrong here… I make plenty of donations to different charities throughout the year but I don’t give at the checkout because it’s annoying.  Simple as that.  I’m loaded down with two hundred dollars worth of groceries and asked if I’d like to make a donation to “Starving Children”.  I AM making a donation to starving children.  Have you met my kids?  All I hear is “I’m Starving”.

This is what I want to hear “Would you like to make a donation to Frustrated Mothers?”  Hell yes.  From this point forward I’m designating my right pocket as my “donation pocket”.  Every time a clerk at a register says “would you like to make a donation” I’m sticking a loonie in my right pocket and once it’s full and dragging down my jacket exposing my right shoulder a la Flashdance I’m heading to the liquor store.  If there’s any change at the end, I’ll give it to the kid standing outside asking for a donation.

But I swear if he says “Thank you Ma’am”, I’m taking it back whilst humming “What a Feeling”!