“FYI stay tuned for a similar alert regarding Cougar sightings in the ‘hood” the message said.
She meant me!
I’m well aware that I’m being referred to (in the nicest way I’m sure) as a “Cougar” by the wonderful well wishers in the ‘hood but thought I’d look up what it’s all about just so we’re clear.
Definition of cougar: large American feline resembling a lion.
Nope… not what they mean.
Definition of cougar: middle-aged woman, dressed to the nines, out on the prowl looking for young (20-35 year old) men.
Well then… let’s put these Cougar sightings to rest once and for all.
First of all… Middle aged? I’m 42! That would put me dead at 84 and… crap… really? Is 42 middle aged? OK… whatever… on to the next.
Dressed to the nines? Have you seen me? I went to the spa yesterday (yeah whatever I was at the spa) wearing a pair of jeans and an X sweatshirt. Yup… same one I was wearing with my jammies in public the other day! Not only that… but as I was heading out the door I grabbed my Weight Watchers pizza and it was so gooey it dripped onto my sweatshirt leaving a grease stain and me nearly driving into oncoming traffic from my attempts to blot the cheese goo from said fancy sweatshirt! In my disgust, I promptly threw my Weight Watchers Wonder out the window much to my daughter’s surprise (school was cancelled for a snow storm so I made her come with me… what… you think I’m cancelling a pedi?). As we were almost home she delightfully proclaimed “there’s your lunch!” as we drove past the tossed ‘za. Thankfully she was commenting about the road and not the spot on my sweatshirt which is currently balled up on my bedroom floor and may or may not see the wash before I put it on again.
Next…. on the prowl looking for young (20-35) year old men. Me? You wanna know what I did last night? FRIDAY NIGHT? Nothing. Absolutely 100% nada! Oh… except watch Cougar Town which I had taped earlier in the week… and Modern Family. And I drank a beer ’cause my brother shovelled my driveway so I was celebrating. I read a few blogs and logged into my online dating where I should mention that my search criteria is men… between 38 and 48!!! And tonight… SATURDAY NIGHT… same thing… except not the TV shows ’cause I watched them already and that would just be stupid.
So… I’m thinking you can all rest peacefully tonight as there doesn’t seem to be any cougars prowling our neighbourhood.
But there are coyotes. So tell the kids to stay out of the woods.
(I told mine to hang out with kids that can’t run as fast as them. My daughter plans on running towards the spot with the pizza on the road… that’ll make him stop in his tracks for sure!)
AGREED! Being single in your 30-40's does not make you a cougar. You tell 'em.