Just in case…

OK… there are a few things you should know.

My “Last Will and Testament” is in the pile of papers on my desk…or in the black cabinet in the kitchen. No…it’s possibly in the drawer by the side of my bed…CRAP…never mind…don’t look in there! Ummm… yeah…I’d go with on the desk. Either that or I filed it!

Second…Snuff will be singing and playing guitar at my funeral…Paul and Cory can fight to see who’ll accompany him but definitely…Snuff gets the lead and for God’s sake Snuff don’t let the other two talk you into something ridiculous like “Sweet Caroline!”

There will be no hands touching hands…reaching out…touching me…touching you.

Alright…next. The boys I grew up with are the pallbearers and plant me somewhere really nice. No…don’t plant me… sprinkle me somewhere fantastic…NO WAIT…see if the boys want to do that whole Billy Bob/Angelina thing and wear me in tiny vials around their necks! Yeah…do that!

OMG and make my girlfriends get tattoos! Of a crown! On their butts! With HRH for Her Royal Highney!!! It’s like the very last time I’ll be a pain in their asses!!!

Hmmm…what else. Oh…there’s a file on my computer called “Open this if I’m dead” which sounds a lot more fascinating than it really is as I haven’t left any great letters or anything behind for those I love as really…there’s nothing left to tell them that they don’t already know. But…it’s my password to get into the blog…and banking…and possibly my safety deposit box.

And don’t shut the blog down but delete all the advertisements and have someone write a post that tells people I’m gone so they don’t keep coming back looking for new post when there’s not going to be one.

And have the Halifax Broad do it! She’ll curse and say stuff the the rest of you won’t say ’cause you think it’d be rude and disrespectful to me but honestly…it would be absolutely, hilariously funny!!

And I don’t really have a safety deposit box!

That might be all I have to tell you except look after my girls and my kids and my parents…and damn…suddenly this post is getting really creepy ’cause I really have no intention of going anywhere…except for that flight to France that I’m terrified of flying on making me realize I have to get my affairs in order (not that I’ve had an affair!)

OK really…I just wanted to tell you about the ashes and tattoos and music ’cause we had this conversation at “Girl’s Weekend” one year and no one asked me what my wishes were!

Seriously…there I was with a napkin and a sharpie…writing down every one’s thoughts about how they wanted to be buried and what song they wanted played and all that crap that no one wants to talk about but I wrote it all down and they each signed the napkin and everything was good…except no one asked me what I thought!

So now you know.

And if you’re wondering…the napkin with everyone else’s wishes is in the drawer…by the side of my bed!