It’s October 10th and I’ve not written a thing this month.
I’ve thrown myself into work. I’ve watched Netflix. I’ve attended sporting events, meetings, a conference, a few dinners out and coffee and drinks with friends.
I’ve been busy with the kids and projects and life.
And I’ve been sad.
Emotions have run high since my friend passed away and I’ve not completely been able to formulate thoughts into words. I’ve struggled with needing to feel…and not wanting to be too dramatic.
While Val’s passing has had a profound effect on everyone around me…it’s opened my eyes to everything I have to be grateful for and yet…it leaves me with the odd and uncomfortable sense that my being grateful is somewhat selfish…given all that she lost.
Everything continues to be hyper-sensitive for example, I cried three different times when Spiderman mentioned his upcoming grad photos…and once when he was filling out an application to university.
I nearly lost it during a group text chat with friends as I realized I wasn’t the only one who was falling apart…again later that day when my Dad texted to say he’d just dropped mom off at her 50th nursing reunion…and yet again when a friend posted a lovely comment about me. Then finally, I DID lose it when I saw the “Welcome Home” photo of my friend’s son…after a horrendous year of battling cancer that included 42 weeks of treatments and 28 radiation sessions…welcome home indeed.
The other night, an incredibly rude person phoned my cell and asked if I’d just called her…when I said I hadn’t, she proceeded to chew me out and be completely annoyed saying I had phoned her but “whatever”…and hung up on me. And, for some stupid reason…I cried.
Following that, I may have shed a few tears over a project that went a little awry!
I choked up when The Tall Blonde posted a video of her reaction to being at the Taylor Swift concert last week…and when Bones agreed to do the music every Saturday night for her brother’s hockey games.
Yesterday, I left a big bruise on my thigh from pinching myself to hold back the tears when I ran into and chatted with Val’s husband…while ironically, I was sitting in a coffee shop having a meeting with a woman from the Canadian Cancer Foundation about how we could work together. Then last night…again…I fought to hold back the tears when we toasted Val over a glass of wine with my two best friends.
So far today…I lost it when The Tall Blonde’s boyfriend’s mom dropped by with a bouquet of flowers and with the way I’m feeling and home opener tonight, I have an inkling I’m not quite done with the water works!
It’s Thanksgiving weekend and I’m so beyond grateful for everything I have in my life that I can’t quite put any of it into words…and yes…there’s a certain amount of anguish that comes with being so very grateful for everything I have and the realization of how quickly it can all be taken away. Hence, the great amount of tears.
This last few weeks has opened my eyes. I see amazing things all around me…every day happenings both big and small. For every single one of those moments, for the people around me, for everything I have at this very moment and for everything that’s ahead for me and my children…
I truly am, incredibly lucky…and unbelievably thankful for all I have.
I am so sorry for your loss and there is absolutely nothing wrong with grieving in your own way. I think the feelings of gratitude are part of losing someone close to you. Their death seems to open your eyes to what is really, really important in your own life. I lost my father at the beginning of this year, and his death for some reason, has left me appreciating all the little things in my life and realizing what doesn’t really matter. Take care and take your time grieving.