To be in my early twenties again…the thought engulfs me.
As The Tall Blond is about to turn twenty next week and I’m spending my days back at school with young people, I’m realizing that had I my time back…I would have done things differently.
I’m left verklempt in the thought of not changing a thing as the life I led gave me these children who have graced my life. Still, hindsight is a remarkable thing and I’m much more intelligent looking back than I was when I was looking forward.
I would have played more, been spontaneous, less serious and not in such a damn hurry to grow up. I would have worried less about what others thought of me…laughed out loud without embarrassment, expressed my opinions and stood up for myself.
I would have chased adventure and posed for more pictures.
I would have realized that in the big scheme of things, what was going on in my life didn’t really matter. How I saw myself was far different than the way things were and the way they would turn out to be. With no mortgage, no career, no bills, marriage or children…what I deemed to be stressful was pittance to what would come to be and without trivializing the fears and stresses of being twenty-something…as God knows the stress can be overwhelming when you’re trying to find out where you belong…I wish I owned a time machine so I could go back and tell myself what I never realized…that I was holding the world in the palm of my hands.
I was the only one in control of my destiny.
Had I my time back I would have explored more, travelled further, danced often and sang loud. I would have taken the time to get to know myself before wanting to know someone else. That love…as wonderful as it is…is so much better if you know who you are.
I would have realized that I could learn at least one thing from everyone who enters my life…or leaves it.
I would have chased my dreams and allowed the rest to fall in place.
I would have known that no one is more beautiful than me.
But it’s not too late. All the things I wish I’d known in my twenties are mine to grab so all those years from now…I’m not wishing back time. While I can’t live in regret as I realize that things in life happen for a reason and shape the person I am…maybe it’s not about being twenty so much as being who I am. Where I am. At this one single moment in time. Living my life…chasing my dreams…controlling my destiny and holding the world in the palm of my hands.
But oh, what I wouldn’t give right now…to be twenty again.